Hot Lands

Far away in the forsaken region of the Gobi Desert, there was Taurus V the lost fan of the Europa. He was an old and rusty fan, yet he was tired of not finding a place hot enough for him to freshen up people.

The story of his journey is quite long, and it is not worth mentioning the details, for it is full of excitement, love, despair, agony and reflexion. To keep it short, we know that Taurus V started his journey in the lowlands of the European Mediterranea, where summers got extremely hot and humid. That said, for Taurus V, the climate was mediocre on those regions, and he needed a challenge, real people, real issues.

So he went and embarcked in a small vessel that carried him towards the coasts of the ancient Fenicians. It was there that he learned of the hottest region on Earth in a place known as Is-Raiel. But there was no one there and there was everyone there; but all were fighting for something or someone he did not understand; he thought it was all the same.

He then crossed unto the lands of Persia, and well he thought the same of them to. In the shores of the Caspian he joined a crew of beluga fishermen. There he helped the tired sailors to relax after the long day’s work. But he found the foul smell unbearable and had to leave his fellow fishermen behind.

On the delta of the Volga he headed north until he arrived to Qa-Zan, a city in the banks of the majestic river, where two huge cultures lived in harmony. Taurus V liked it there until winter came, he found himself useless and his circuits were freezing. In that republic of the Tartars, Taurus V waited for the winter to fade away.

It was until the icy rivers melted and the first flowers of spring bloomed that he decided to continue. He then boarded a train called the Trans-Sibe-Ryan, he crossed and crossed the infinite steppes of the Sib-Rya, until he arrived to a so called Lake Bahi-Kahl. But it was not hot enough.

So he travelled south, until he arrived to the country of the mounted horsemen. “Travel south, there you will find what you search” One of them said to the fan. So he mounted a horse and went south. He arrived to his current location, where he has lived almost a decade.

Taurus V now forms part of an elite of fans that serve the great masters of the Ori-Ent, and although he may seem rusty and old, he feels accomplished to serve the new masters of the lands. Mounted in horsemen he rides to serve whom is in need of some refreshing breeze of air.

But that is not all there is to Taurus’s V story, for there is more. And for me to narrate it completely, it would take ages.

Let’s just pray that Taurus V continues to serve mankind for the years to come.

That thing

A pigeon watches over me. He or she, (I don’t know the gender) has been staring at me for the past four days. I will not go into detail on what I’ve been doing these last days, but the pigeon knows it, all my secrets. Now, I am afraid that that thing will fly away and tell the whole world what I’ve been up to. The pigeon knows and I know. When I look at it, I stare into his gloomy red eyes, it returns the look, and we both stare at each other for minutes. “I know” Damn…

“Aren’t you going away?” I shout. But it stays, it does not go anyway. That thing, that flying rat. Suddenly it makes a sound: “Kru, kru.” I don’t know what that means, so I go to the web and try to translate it into human speak….but nothing, there is no match found.

“Kru, kru.” I say.

“Kru, kru?” Replies the pigeon.

Hell I don’t know where this is going. So I stop my conversation with the pigeon. I try to go back and continue with my stuff, but the damn thing is still staring at me. I throw a piece of paper, it flies and lands again. I close my curtains, at least the pigeon won’t be able to see what I am doing.

The next morning I open the curtain a little bit, just to get a glimpse outside. It is still there! “Kru, kru”

I need to put an end to this madness. So I call the police. They come.

“What seems to be the problem sir?”

“That thing won’t go away.” I walk them to the window and show them the pigeon.

“Sir, you are under arrest.”

“Wha-Why?!” They point at the table, where a bunch of diamonds lye peacefully.

“It seems you are the architect of the diamond robbery that took place five days ago.”

They handcuff me. As I am leaving my place I try to get a last glimpse at my enemy. I shout: “Kru, kru!” Suddenly the pigeon moves its head and flies away.

…I should’ve closed the curtains earlier.

Election day

Excellency and the newest member

Somewhere in the far away land of Aporua a celebration of a kind was about to take place…The newest member of the Parliament was going to be voted in. Yes dearest friends, this was one of the most anticipated events in recent times….at least that is what papers said. But in reality, no one cared that this new member was going to be sweared in.

His name was His Excellence Don Braulio and he was the new to be president of Aporua, and although no one knew who he was, he knew he was he. He was the newest leader of the Union and he was about to  be granted enormous powers. Yes gentlemen, Don was living his dream, and all he had worked for had finally come true.

The day of his coronation was grand, and he was blessed by Big Father Angopolus Swan, the Union’s top bishop. And so he parted, Don the great camel went on to rule the people of Aporua.

As years passed, the people continued living their life as usual, until one day a great spell was casted upon them: some sort of crisis no one understood. So they searched and searched for a solution, but because they could not understand what was going on, they could not come with a proper plan to tackle it.

Finally, they remembered that there was a certain someone, Don, that was in charge of everything. So they went to his headquarters and demanded an explanation, but he did not appear. After days and months of waiting, he finally appeared. Everyone waited at the city square just in front of the Union’s hall, and so he appeared, His Excellence Don Braulio. Everyone was silent at first, and then hours passed and they were still silent, then days passed and no sound.

“A camel?” One said.

“Well it looks like it…”

“Who put him in charge?”

“Well…I think we all did.”

Afterwards one of Don’s helpers appeared and whispered into his ear: “What should we do Your Excellence?” But he did not answer for he was a camel and he could not talk. His helper faded secretly into the building. At the square everyone remained silent.

“Amazing, I had no idea we voted for him.”

“No one did…”

Everyone left and went on to their homes. Everything continued as before, and suddenly life returned to normal. And again it was time for elections, but no one cared and again His Excellence Don Braulio was made president of Aporue.

That guy

That guy, he was always asking for money. On the same street he was always there, from dusk till dawn, I could not stand it. As I arrived every day to work, he was there, scaring clients away, always asking for money. What a guy! The situation was really bad, and there he was asking for any change anyone could spare. He knew I was always keeping an eye on him, but he pretended not to notice, and this was what got me the most. One day the police was patrolling the area, and soon I hid behind a door to see what happened. They took him away. At last!

Again the street was mine to ask for money.

Brain wash

The art of brain washing has long perplexed the general population. For ages men and women have been victims of this mysterious method to transform people’s thoughts.

Today, thanks to extensive research done by Dr. Jack Gaterswick, the mystery behind brain washing has finally been revealed.

In an interview realized a few days ago with Dr. Gaterswick we were able to know before anyone else the secrets behind brainwashing. Consider this an exclusive from our correspondents. When asked what was the main secret behind brainwashing, Dr. Gaterswick replied that it was no secret, that it was in front of us all along. Supermarkets, pharmacies, showers, virtually everywhere we went. He said that we just took it for granted.

But we needed detail, so we asked him again what things were used in order to carry out a successful brain wash. He said it was soap, liquid soap made it easier. But not any soap, it could not be cream soap or any other fancy soap, just regular and cheap, because those are the ones that reach almost everyone. We were quite confused and amazed and so we asked him how could soap do the trick. He said that back in the times of the pharaohs, Egyptians discovered that they needed to control its population, so they devised the first soap for brain washing activities, it was just the soap people used to clean their clothes. After he explained that Egyptians were the pioneers because they learned that one needed not to cut the skull open and take the brain for a good ol’ wash, but it could be sent via the nasal orifices.

Today, he noted, agencies like the CIA, FSB and Mossad use similar archaic methods, although they have devised a kind of washing machine where the suspect puts his head in after been forced to inhale the soap, this with the goal of achieving the best wash ever and a clean brain.

So there it is folks, the mystery has been revealed, next time think twice about buying liquid soap.

The Missing Link

Crowds gathered around, the newsstand was surrounded by herds of people, like cattle they all pushed each other to have a glimpse at the newspaper. It was one of the greatest news of recent times. But what was it? For hours they gathered but some just could not achieve to get a look at the headline. Suddenly as a man was coming out of the storm, a young student asked him:

“What is it?”

“Boy, you would not believe it, but we found it!”

“What?! What?!”

“The missing link has been found at last!”

“No way..”

“Yes way. I tell you they did it! Now everything is clear, we know where we came from. Isn’t it a great relief?,,,,”

“Yes…but, what was it?”

“It was simple, apparently it did not end in .com but in .org. I can’t believe it, why didn’t we think of it before.”

And that was the day humans understood where the missing link had gone.

What is a polick?

Sometimes there are times and sometimes there are policks. When there are times, people just gather around to celebrate, to have a glass of wine and to forget. Times are always there and everyone has at least lived them once. Call it luck, call it faith, call it whatever you may want, sometimes there are times.

 On the other hand there are policks. Policks are extremely rare, and compared to times they do not come that often, in fact we do not know when they come and usually it is extremely hard to predict them. But some of us have lived through policks, the thing is we do not know if we are living a polick or not. There are sometimes that we are certain we are going through one, but most of the times they are just deja vus (which have nothing to do with policks).

 Policks are all around us, but hard to detect and so far no one has come up with a proper device to spot them. Some that have experienced a polick described them as friendly, humorous and generous, others just say that they are correct and others are just speechless. That said, whoever has experienced policks has always been amazed by them; that is the main difference between them and times.

 So: What exactly is a polick?

 We just don’t know.

Spaceships one and two

Space ship one and spaceship two were the most advanced spaceships in the galaxy. Everyone envied them, from the King of England to the ruler of Andromeda 28. They had everything going, Italian design, Japanese electronics, Mexican food, Russian engines and Sri Lankan colors…they were one of a kind.

 Unfortunately they were lost… lost in space. Apparently their spatial GPS/Glonass malfunctioned as one of the pilots prepared some burritos in the spaceship’s own microwave (yes it also had a microwave…amazing no?) Ministers from all around the galaxy declared a state of emergency, level yellow red they said. The search was on.

 Years passed, but spaceships one and two were never found. Everyone wondered what had happened, and many books, films and songs were made about them.

  One day, Old farmer Leonard Hamil, was selling fruits in one of the outer rings of Orion’s belt, when a spaceship stopped to ask for directions. Old Leonard said he did not know, for he only sold fresh fruits. “I’ll take a bunchfull of those juicy apples for the road.” Old Leonard dispatched them some fruits, and as they were parting off, he noticed that one of the left panels of the ships seemed very familiar, he then realized it was one of spaceship one left panels!

 “Where did you get that panel sir?”

 “Nice eh…Well I got them from the junkyard down at Kepler’s region.”

 “Kepler’s yard?!”

 “Yeah…apparently everyone sells their stuff in there, but this beauty…well let’s say I just got lucky.”

 “So you are saying it was just a piece lying there?”

“Yup. I guess the previous owners had a really nice ship, but got greedy and sold it. You know I would have done the same.”

“You know, me too.”

 Everyone knew what had happened to those celestial spaceships, but everyone had done the same. So for centuries people did not say a word about spaceships one and two.

Heavenly creatures

Planet Earth hosts a huge variety of species which live in a certain state of harmony. From chimpanzees and ants, to the cute koalas and the alien looking praying mantis, all creatures on earth share and breath the same gaseous substance known as oxygen with the strangest and yet most common member of the animal kingdom, the human being.

 Yes gentlemen, we are certainly the craziest and weirdest creature on earth, we can not fly, neither can we create spider webs or submerge hundreds of feet below sea level. But we do have one thing that other species do not have, and that, my dear sirs, is sweet beaurocracy; it would be impossible to imagine pigeons stamping documents in order for them to fly across the skies of Barcelona or salmon paying some fee to travel up river.

 Beaurocracy is not something new, in fact it is as old as we are and there is enough historical evidence to support that since the dawn of our species men had some sort of control methods to carry out their daily activities. I do not know if it was during those times that a supreme being appeared to men and asked the: “Pardon me gentlemen, but if you want to continue with your venture towards becoming the dominant species on the planet, you’ll have to rend tribute to us, your creators.” Then men asked: “How?” And it was those words that marked us forever. “Checks and balances of course.”  And we chose checks and balances and here we are… ants also received that same offer, but it is clear that they declined it.

The Egyptians and the ancient Chinese were noted for their complex beaurocratic systems; after all, the first major written piece in human history is about laws and beaurocracy, the Hammurabi code. Even the first major work of literature, the epic of Gilgamesh has some vestiges of these magnificent processes and let’s not talk about Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey, which were plagued by corruption and inefficient systems. Yet for some reason, historians call the period in which Greek and Roman civilization thrived as the Classic Period; maybe because they all dressed in white robes and were all part of the beaurocracy.

 Centuries passed, and gentlemen let me be honest, nothing happened. A part from numerous wars, plagues, deaths, love and romances, and maybe some great pieces of art, human beings continued to be the same old creature that tries to keep control of everything. However it was not until the XIX Century and early XX Century that a series of individuals started to question our own existence and purposes in life; Names like Dostoyevsky, Kierkegaard, Camus and Kafka. It took us thousands of years to come up with a term that defines us as a species: Kafkaesque in honor of Mr. Franz Kafka. Let me note, that many of his generation also satirized society, but none of them had such a sexy last name that could represent all of us; our species’ denomination is sexy, its Kafkaesque.

We are heavenly creatures after all….

Harvest Moon

Once there was a song called harvest moon, and Ronald Man, a noted farmer, did not know it. One day he heard someone talking about the Harvest Moon, and Ronald thought people were actually going to the moon for a great harvest. Unfortunately, people did not know what was he talking when he asked them about a harvest in the moon, he was frustrated and thought everyone was hiding it from him.

So he embarked to build a space ship. Ten years passed and Ronald Man was ready to take off in his spaceship full of grain. BUM! BUM! And there he went up towards the skies and into the unknown. His wife, kids and grandchildren said goodbye as he disappeared into the skies. A day passed and he finally landed in the moon. He went out but could not find that harvest, the Harvest Moon.

Ronald returned o Earth with empty hands. Everyone at his village greeted him greatly, celebrations took place and he was received as a hero. His wife, kids and grandchildren were all so happy to see his Ronald back that they cried of joy as he came out of the burnt spaceship. He could not understand.

They were all sitting at a big table having dinner, a great feast, when suddenly he heard someone talk of this Harvest Moon. He immediately went and told him there was no harvest, no Harvest Moon he said.

-Oh Ronald, you obviosuly did not listen to the song. You are a Southern Man after all. And the Harvest Moon, well… you have it all around!

He knew

He knew it all along, but did not want to tell the world he knew it. His friends and family knew it, but did not know that he knew. They were so worried, that they thought it was of most importance to let him know what they knew. For this, they created a plan, a life plan. So it started, all his life he was put in a path in order for him to know what he already did know that others also knew but did not know that he knew.

Years passed, and they could not manage to get him to know it, but he knew…He was lying in his death bead and looked around, everyone was hoping for him to say that he finally got it. He smiled and thought: “I knew all along..”

Day peace broke out

Suddenly everyone stopped doing what they were suppose to do; everything was on hold. And for no reason at all, peace broke out. It was that day that an international institution was created to promote war.

Until now we are waiting for peace to fade away.

The laughing door

Gentlemen, please bare in mind that there is a huge threat which man kind has not had the trouble of solving. It is real and has been for the past thousand years, ever since men invented it. Yes, gentlemen I am talking about doors. For years doors have looked down on us, it is amusing since we are their creators, but no…doors seem to feel superior. In the end they decide who’s in and who’s out; that is, dear sirs, the ultimate power. Why isn’t there any superhero with a door like ability?

Some may think that doors are inanimate and have no voice whatsoever, well all of those who think that way are wrong. You see, there was a man called John Updike and he worked in the fourth floor of an old building which had an antique elevator which was fully operational. It was one o’clock and only one thing passed through John’s head: lunch time. So he headed out and called the elevator, as the elevator arrived he swung the door open and has hit in the face, the door bounced back and closed. As the door jumped from one place to another, it started laughing. John forgot the door had just hit him and was surprised the door was laughing at him.

He stared at the bronzed colored door for a few minutes, waiting for it to speak again, he was not sure what to do if the door spoke again, but he felt really insulted. Nothing… Jason Cull came out and called the elevator again, he saw John and knew something was up.

“Hey John, everything all right.”

“Yeah…the thing is the door just laughed at me.”

“The door just laughed at you?…”

“Yeah I swear…it was like, you know when doors laugh?”

“John…let me be honest. I don’t know what you’re on, but surely it most be really strong.”

“Oh…you are right probably it’s just me going loco.”

“Shall we?”

And both entered the elevator. However that day was of up most importance, for the whole human race for it was one of the few times men made direct contact with the doors.

Whistle game

John Pastor was new in town. He moved because he was offered a brand new job, and although he was happy at his previous home, this was the opportunity of a lifetime.

As the first weeks passed, John was getting used to the new city, from buses and  crowds to rush hours and local foods. But he felt lonely.

One day as he was walking back from work he heard someone whistle at him. He turned and searched for the mysterious person but could not find him or her. As he was entering the building where he lived, he heard the whistle again. He stopped, looked up and whistled back. Then he heard a femenine laugh and that was about it. John Pastor smiled and went into his home.

Ever since that day, everytime he came back from work he exchanged whistles with the mysterious woman. He did not like his job, but was always eager to arrive home and listen to that femenine laugh, which made him smile.

They never met, but knew they needed to keep each other company…in whistles at least.

The Key Master

Pierre was the key master. He had about 50 keys in his belt. The only problem is that he never used them, not even his home key for his wife opened the door for him. Pierre was getting old and poor, and never quite knew where all those keys went into. On his final days, he decided to live the keys in one bench along the sidewalk, next to it read a sign: “Feel free to take any of these keys. I do not know what they open, if you are up for the challenge, go ahead…Sincerely, Pierre.” So many people gathered and took the keys, fifty keys, fifty people, and that was enough for the town had only fifty one people. Pierre died that night. The next morning everyone stayed home guarding their entrances, for everyone was now wary of the neighbor. Eventually the town dried up, food stop coming and people stop working, guarding their houses was their main concern, for anyone could have the key….

May day

They say no one works on this day, a day we all commonly know as the international labour day, and that is totally untrue. Cereals are one of the few creatures that work on this day, ignoring the fact that it is an official holiday, cereals do everything they can to continue laboring.

Throughout history cereals have been known as one of the most hard working creatures on Earth. They do not recent others who slack off and take the day of, for when that happens there is more work for them. For example when one calls sick and just stays at bed, they are usually accompanied by a box of cereals and this means more productivity for these crunchy fellows.

It’s may day for most of us, but cereals all around the world are doing their job to keep our bellies happy and on a good diet.

Thank you Mr. cereal.

Mr. Bottle

The drummers were drumming, the sun was burning and the flies were buzzing. Meanwhile Mr. Bottle was standing, we wished he could do otherwise, but that was the thing about being a bottle, one had to live by the rules of the bottle bearers.

On that day, Mr. Bottle’s life changed forever. A bottle barer was passing by with Mr. Bottle in hand. The sun burnt and he was out of water, Mr. Bottle was no longer of any use to him, but for some reason he did not dispose of the bottle. Suddenly he walked into a placed packed with flies, buzzing around his ears and head, the bottle bearer tried to drive those hairy creatures away with the aid of Mr. Bottle.

After a few minutes of swungs and bams, the bearer successfully drove those creatures away. Thanks Mr. Bottle he said. He was coming out a narrow street and just as he came out he was surprised by a group of street drummers. BUM BUM BUM! His immediate reaction was to let go of Mr. Bottle.

Mr. Bottle ended up rolling down the street along the drummers, the bearer followed trying to catch his savior. Wait! Wait! The bearer shouted at the drummers, but they could not listen for the drums drummed.

Finally they stopped at a small city plaza and one of the drummers picked up Mr. Bottle. The bearer went immediately and shouted: he is mine, that bottle is mine! The drummer was perplexed and thought the bearer was a little bit crazy. As the bearer rushed towards the drummer a sanitary department truck passed by, the drummer seeing the state in which Mr. Bottle was, discarded it into the truck.

No…it can’t be. Said the Bottle Bearer. Why did you do that? The drummer did not what to say. It’s just a bottle man. He then gave a coin to the bearer and signaled a vending machine that was on the opposite corner. The Bearer walked silently to the machine, inserted the coin, heard a few sounds and suddenly Mr. Bottle appeared.

I missed you Mr. Bottle.

Paper Man

Jimmy Carrot went to sleep at 11 o’clock one night in April, the events that to place next were quite out of the ordinary.

He was in his pj’s and had a kebab for dinner. In a few words he was tired as hell. He closed his eyes at 11 and fell deep asleep. Suddenly at 3 or something like that, he woke up, but he felt he was not him. You see, he opened his eyes only to feel his left eye, he did not feel one of his hands and one of his feet. In all he felt like a one dimensional creature.

He did not feel his stomach, nor his brain or inner bodily fluids. He did not know what he was. What was a human? What was he? He was some kind of paper man.

You see folks. Paper men are a real. They are people whose brain is working in strange ways that makes one feel only in one dimension. For those of you who are thinking that it most be some kind of marijuana overdose or some drug related experience, well you are wrong. Paper people exist, all around, only if it’s for a few minutes they are everywhere whenever night falls. So be sure next time you are using your scissors, you are not using them on paper people.

The man who wasn’t there

There was a man who was never there.

In fact we do not know where he was.

He was supposed to be there.

Someday one fellow said he was somewhere else.

Where?

There in the other corner.

As he pointed he noticed that he was not there.

Hmmm…he was supposed to be there, but isn’t anymore.

That man…the man who wasn’t there.

Cable

They were created with one purpose, to connect. They, the blackies, the longs, or simply cables as we know them colloquially, are one of men’s latest and most important creations in the past century.

But there is one hidden secret that was not told to us when these spaghetti like creatures were created. After the first successful cable was breathed, the scientists understood the importance of these little fellows and so did them. It was just weeks after their creation that cables landed a deal with men: they would pretend they were inanimate objects and serve men only if they could lead a separate secret lives while unseen by the human eye.

So, next you open a drawer, or take out your video game control cableand fin out that is full of knots, remember it is no coincidence for there is another truth. Maybe you shall install CCTV to keep an eye on these wary creatures.